PLAYS by KEITH JOHNSTONE
“Many people find my adult plays disturbing but isn’t the whole universe disturbing? Anyway, be warned. And I apologise for not being about to write more comfortable plays. Here are extracts from a few of the ones I like.” – Keith Johnstone
Various plays are available through Keith’s manager. Click on contact if you are interested in obtaining copies.
SHORT (TILT) PLAYS
I Want to Get Into You
An excerpt from the play by Keith Johnstone.
MARG (A Professor finds a strange woman in his apartment. She doesn't
know who she is, or why she's there, until she regains her memory)
Marg An African tribe trained me to please men. I was spread naked on
a cross for the delectation of a College of Cardinals. I....(REALIZES
THE IMPROBABILITY OF THIS RIGMAROLE) It's true! It's all true!
Alf In my considered opinion...
HE NOTICES A BAG (UNDER THE BED?)
THEY BOTH LOOK AT IT.
MARG DOESN'T KNOW
Room Eric and Derek said you'd need it, Sir.
Alf Let's hope it contains the key to this mystery.
ALF GETS THE BAG AND OPENS IT. HE TAKES OUT EROTIC OBJECTS INCLUDING
A NUN'S COSTUME
Whip. Nun's costume. Vibrator. Birthday card..
HE READS THE BIRTHDAY CARD, BEMUSED
"Happy birthday, Alf, love, Eric and Derek."
Alf Alfred. My name.
TAKES OPERATING MANUAL OUT OF THE BAG
Instruction Manual. It's a sex-doll.
Marg (DISGUSTED SOUND) How disgusting.
Alf (LAUGHS) How could I be so stupid? They didn't know I'd be out of
town! Of course! (READING THE MANUAL) "Authentic bruising. Magic
flexi-skin. Deep throat...."
Marg (CUTTING IN OVER HIS WORDS) You don't have to read it out loud!
Alf (READS THE INSIDE OF A BIRTHDAY CARD?) "PS. We thought Mistress of
Discipline might involve physical injury, so we set her on Lesbian
Librarian from Hell!"
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER
Alf Come on, Marg! See the joke can't you?
Marg If there's an explanation, I'd like to hear it.
Alf Ever heard of 'denial'? Or do you think it's a river in Egypt?
(SHOWS HER THE OPERATING MANUAL). Marg. M. A. R. G. Multiple Access
Robot Gratifier. (SHOWS HER THE COVER) You're on the cover. (RUMMAGING
IN BAG) Should be a zapper in here somewhere...
Marg (APPALLED) Someone took a photograph of me and.....I'm human,
ALF FINDS THE 'ZAPPER' AND STUDIES HOW TO PROGRAMME IT
Alf Sorry Marg. You're just a lot of electrical connections put
together in a factory.
Marg (RAMPAGING AROUND?) I'm real. My Mother put me on the streets to
earn money for food. Father was a mine-worker who sexually abused me
without washing off the pit-dirt.
Alf That's all false memory programmed in to excite me when we screw.
Marg I have a job! I'm not a..a...You'll go to jail for this!
Alf (WAVING MANUAL?) There's a trademark inside your bum-cheeks.
Marg (SCREAMS) I am not a machine! My thoughts are not scripted!
Alf There'll be a randomizer in you somewhere. Can't have you spewing
out the same phrases like a pull-my-string doll
Marg (REALIZING IT MAY BE TRUE, AND IN DESPAIR) What about my visions?
What about my spirituality!
Alf That's for when you're a Nun!
# # #